Dr John Demartini is one of the world’s leading experts on human behaviour and believes that it is our fantasies about what we believe relations should and ought to be that hold us back from experiencing the fulfilment and joy from them. As well as having been a student of his books and workshops for many years, I have been fortunate enough to have spent some personal 1-on1 time with Dr Demartini and when it comes to the topic of relationships these are his top 10 myths as I understand them to be.
MYTH 1: A New Relationship Will Make Me Happy
We’ve all been there, that initial phase of a relationship where the emotions of infatuation, attraction and chemistry are running high, only to be ‘let down’ further down the track when we start to and experience that ‘other side’ to them. This is an inevitable aspect of all relationships. No matter how ‘amazing’ they may seem at the start, at some point you’ll realise that everyone (even you) have positive and negative aspects. But you see, at the start of a relationship all those emotions make us literally blind to the negatives.
MYTH 2: When I Find My Soul Mate, I Will Feel Complete
If you’re living in the hope that someone (or something) outside of yourself is needed to ‘complete you’, or give you that sense of wholeness, then you are likely to become caught up in that person (or thing). This could lead to compromising yourself, becoming ‘someone else’ to please them. If you project all of those fantasies and delusions onto that ‘soul mate’, you are likely to be let down and disappointed every time simply because of the fact that all human beings have both positive and negative, supportive and challenging traits and characteristics.
MYTH3: The Right Relationship Will Last Forever
This could be more of an expectation that has been instilled in us by our upbringing, tradition, religious indoctrination or society than an actual reality. Relationships will tend to last if the fundamentals of that particular relationship are honoured. The great thing about ‘The Fundamentals’ is that you both get to decide what they are, not anyone or anything else. For you, your fundamentals may be open honest communication, compassion, acceptance of other, honouring their values, loyalty etc.
MYTH 4: Once We Get Past These Rough Waters, It Will Be Smooth Sailing
Relationships naturally have highs and lows and we are always going to experience them. Hanging onto some idea that ‘things will be better when’ can be a slow kind of self-torture. Within every relationship, person or situation is hidden a perfect balance of support and challenge if you know how to recognise it.
MYTH 5: A Good Relationship Requires Sacrifice
Have you ever made a sacrifice in a relationship that deep down you didn’t really want to make only to resent that person or hold it against them later? Most of us I’m sure have been there to. Perhaps the smarter thing to do is to become aware of each other’s values and then see how each of you can achieve them together.
MYTH 6: Great Sex Happens Only at the Beginning of a Relationship
This relates to myth 1 in many ways as we experience the excitement and the blinding infatuation of a new partner. As long as both people free themselves of relationship delusions, fantasies and myths, the true art of intimacy and lovemaking can most definitely evolve as the connection deepens between two people.
MYTH 7: In the Right Relationship, I Will Not Have to Work at It
Nothing worthwhile comes easily and without committed concentration and effort, who should relationships be any different? As two people grow as individuals and as part of a relationship there will always be moments and situations that will challenge the both of you to become more. It’s the challenge and facilitates growth.
MYTH 8: If I am Not Involved with Someone I Will Be Lonely
Perhaps you’ve experienced a sense of being alone, isolated and disconnected to someone you should be close to. How you define ‘connection’ will determine how you experience it. Being in an intimate relationship is only one way of experiencing ‘connection’ but of course we all know that there are so many other ways to experience this. The interesting thing is that more often than not, the more you can grow, experience and be grateful for the connections you already have in your life, the more you’re practicing the very attracting force that is likely to bring you the kinds of connections you prefer. This is just Law of Attraction 101.
MYTH 9: Children Complete a Marriage
This is much like hoping your house will stay strong with a solid frame and bricks despite the wonky shaky foundations. You just can’t get there from there. If anything, bring a child into a marriage hoping to make it better, is likely to create more fantasies, expectations, sacrifices and potential resentments.
MYTH 10: Opposites Attract
Dr Demartini has completed years of research that reveals that isn’t really such a thing as ‘opposites’, it only looks that way from your particular point of view. He describes every human being as having the same potential and capacity to experience and express love, anger, success, selfishness, compassion, hope, despair, strength, weakness etc. He goes on to say that any trait you see in another, a romantic partner or otherwise, you also have within yourself but being expressed in a different way.