An aspect of relationships you may not have come across before is simply this; all of reality is a relationship between one thing and something else and it’s all a reflection of an aspect of what’s inside YOU! Whether you’re referring to an atom, a cell, animals, planets or human beings. One cannot truly know itself without the other. It’s the connection between things that defines its experience to that thing and hence, it’s relationship to it. When it comes to human relationships however, isn’t it interesting how its often the people we love most that are the ones who seem to be able to ‘press our buttons’ like no one else?
Hm . . . why is that you think? Allow me to present an idea, food for thought.
There is a theory in personal development circles that part of the journey of life is to become whole again, to re-member who you really are, to bring ourselves back together again, kind of like humpty dumpty I guess. Relationships play a huge part in this process of wholeness. Maybe this is what people mean when they say to a loved one ‘you complete me’. Relationships (particularly the intimate kind) act as a kind of mirror to reflect right back to us aspects of ourselves which deep deep down we are either completely unaware of or unwilling to recognise, accept, integrate or let go of all together. So the only way for these aspects of ourselves to bubble up to our awareness is by observing a trait in another that triggers something within ourselves which causes us to react.
Let me give you an example of what I mean here. Lets say your partner or family member accuses you of being selfish and you immediately fly off the handle because you are convinced that you most certainly are NOT selfish. Firstly, its important to recognise that if you TRULY and deeply 100% believed that you were not selfish, you wouldn’t react at all because you would know that it’s just the other person projecting their stuff onto you and you’d know that their accusation has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with them! To help clarify this, imagine you were walking down the street and all of a sudden a person comes up to you and says ‘That is the most horrible Hawaiian shirt I have ever seen in my life!’. If you know for a fact that you’re not even wearing a Hawaiian shirt, you’re not going to be triggered at all and you’ll know that something is obviously not right with them, not you. Now lets say you were getting dressed that same morning trying to decide what to wear and you put on a Hawaiian shirt for real and while looking at yourself in the mirror you said to yourself something like ‘hm . . i’m not sure about this Hawaiian shirt, is it to loud? too bright? too out there?’ If you then left the house with this uncertainty and then someone comes up to you and says the same thing about your shirt, then guess what? You’re going to be triggered and feel insecure, attacked and vulnerable even though you don’t even know that person, imagine if it came from someone you actually cared about!
The only reason why the words and actions of another would trigger you at all, is if somewhere deep inside you, it is poking at something that you consciously (or unconsciously) know is true. But because of your unwillingness to recognise it, you consciously or unconsciously keep it hidden and buried within yourself and, perhaps through complete unawareness, are unable to put a spot light on it and ‘out it’ within yourself so-to-speak. It’s almost like being in a dark alley being tourmented by some strange noise. Because you don’t know what it is, it continues to stress you out until you shine a spot light on it to realise that it’s just a harmeless cat looking for a bite to eat. You realise its nothing to stress about at all once you become aware of what it really is – awareness is the key. Doing this kind of self-investigation is what some people refer to as working with ‘the shadow self’. It’s not ‘bad stuff’, it’s just aspects of ourselves which are ‘in the dark’ to our conscious awareness. Relationships in a way, can act like the spot light to help us see things within us that may not be easy to see or accept, but might be necessary to help us evolve and become whole again.
Now let’s take this concept of ‘getting-to-know-yourself-through-relationships’ to an entirely another level, a deeper level, shall we?
This idea of relationships is closely connected to a creation story which says that in the beginning there was ‘THE ONE’ or ‘ALL THAT IS’ dwelling in pure love. But because there was nothing outside of itself, it had the knowing of itself as pure love, but lacked the experience of itself being pure love and it was the experience of the knowing which the one desired for itself. It’s like the difference between knowing your a good dancer, and experiencing yourself as a good dancer while actually dancing – two very different things right? So in order to create the experience of itself as love, all that is did something very special, it extended an aspect of itself to create, in a sense, a kind of reflective mirror for the purpose of reflecting back to itself the qualities that it knew it had for the purpose of having that experience vicariously through the extension. This idea isn’t as far out as it might first seem to be. The entire phenomena of virtual reality is much the same thing isn’t it? In a way the technology acts as a kind of extension of yourself so you can have a virtual experience. Relationships are basically reflections. Imagine if you knew you had the most beautiful blue eyes because someone else said so, but you never actually saw them because there was nothing to see your own reflection through, but then you somehow created a reflective surface and then saw your own eyes for the first time? That would be a different experience to just knowing you had beautiful blue eyes right?
However it doesn’t end there, because after extending part of itself, the one, did something very special. For the extension of itself, it created an experience of FORGETFULNESS, forgetting what it REALLY is, an extension of the one, and forgetting that it’s always connected to the one. This ‘forgetfulness’, in a sense, was an amazing gift which allowed the extension reflection to have the experience of remembering that it is only love and since the extension is always connected to the one, the one experienced the bliss of that experience of remembering for the first time through the extension of itself.
Now if this is all a bit much to wrap your head and heart around, that’s fine. It’s just an idea. Read it again if you wish and treat it like a pair of shoes and just see how it feels.